Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts

DON'T QUIT  

Posted by azheazam

when things go wrong
as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging
seems all uphill,
when the funds are low
and the debts are high,
and you want to smile,
but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit -
REST IF YOU MUST,
BUT DON'T YOU QUIT.

success is failure
turned inside out,
the silver tint of
the clouds of doubt,
and you can never can tell
how close you are,
it may be near when
it seems a far.

so, stick to the fight
when you're hardest hit -
IT'S WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
THAT YOU MUSTN'T QUIT.

this is written on the cover of my notebook.. it's am's actually, i like it very much, it gave me fresh new spirit every time i feel low.. i'm sharing it, manalah tau it work on others too..

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me a mother..  

Posted by azheazam

as i promised, and lina is taking her afternoon nap.. here goes..


i was due on 1st nov 2009, but i've been so eager to have an early labour, because i am impatient.. haha.. but that didn't happened.. in fact, i was 4 days late.. why? because i chose to sleep..

my water broke on saturday 1st nov,as predicted by the doctors, at around 3am.. but it wasn't much, i thought i might be imagining it, so i went back to sleep.. i didn't tell anyone on this, but i do find that whenever i urinate there's a gush of water coming out, that i cannot control it, i asked my sister on this and she told me that water broke is different from urinating, that's probably just my baby crushing my bladder, ok.. on monday, i called my mother having normal conversation and i casually told her about the water broke incident, she freaked out a bit, saying that i should have gone to the hospital, but since it was already late in the evening, being lazy, i said ok i'll go.. but then, the next day i didn't go yet, i still feel the rushing water during urinating, no pain no nothing.. she's moving actively.. i told my MIL but it was then too late in the evening, hehe.. so kite pegi esok ajela.. rabu pagi, i went to Klinik Kesihatan, they urged me to go the hospital immediately, i started to feel a bit panick, but only went to Regency around 3pm, am baru start keje tempat baru, luckily his bos is very understanding, he let him went home early, and lucky again, Regency is just in front of his new office, so we met him there..

sampai2 Regency, Dr. Thokha scanned and told me that "air mentuban dah sikit ni, uri dah rosak, i should have given birth days before.." then only it struck me that my stupidity could have cost me my baby's life.. stupid azi, tido je ko ea.. buruk perangai.. Alhamdulillah, nothing worst happened, the baby is still perfectly healthy, but i have to give birth today, induce la jawapannya..

lutut aku dah tak ada rasa, hati dah kembang tak kuncup2.. Dr. Thokha pecahkan air mentuban yang berbaki itu, dan pasang drip kat tangan, i cannot even stand anymore, takut macam tak bleh describe, apa la jadi kat aku pas ni.. penyakit nervous aku pun muncul dan haa apa lagi, BP naik tinggi gile tak bleh turun2, sebab jantung aku tgh lumba Iron Man..

aku terus masuk labour room, i started to feel contraction around 5pm, mula2 gua steady beb, lama2 hangit.. am memang ada, tapi tengok muka dia macam nak hentam, belakang dah macam putus dua, tapi aku memang ingat pesan MIL aku, jangan nangis zi.. nanti tak ada tenaga nak teran, ok baby.. ibu caiyok!!

at around 10pm, aku mcm dah tak bape nak bleh handle, nurse selok2 dia kata dah 7cm, kelam kabut pasang segala mende, aku mcam dah relieved sket sebab oke la tak lama sangat nak sakit, heh.. semua itu dusta belaka, Dr. Thokha datang check kata baru 3, BARU 3 OK!!! not even halfway... semua positive energy sudah mula evaporate, dia kata aku akan bersalin dalam around 3am, tak pikir banyak aku resort to amek pain killer, dia kata you still feel the pain, but u can relax.. and he's DAMN RIGHT..

sakit tak ada kata bleh describe, but i fall asleep between contraction, not a deep sleep, mcm khayal gitu, my mother arrived from Kuantan around 11pm dan bermula la episod yang jadi modal am gelakkan aku sampai skrg, gelak la ko, aku humban dalam longkang, tapi dia gelak jugak.. aku panggil mak aku suh ajar breathing every time contraction, every time, dgn nada yang sedih dan sayu (to him its hillarious), mak aku pun gelak.. jadi mungkin aku je yang sayu.. mak aku tak kira suh tarik nafas aku tend to kelam kabut, aku lebih tenang dengar suara mak, kakak ku jeles sebab tak penah mak sempat masuk labour room dia, itu adalah masalah ko... ahaha..

contraction aku selang 3 minutes, dari awal lagi pun memang gitu, so not much rest.. i could not describe how the pain is, but i can still remember how i feel that moment, i remember ternampak sekilas lalu David Letterman kat tv depan katil (apa guna tv tu? haa ko gtau aku) so aku tau baru midnite, lama lagi nak 3am.. air selusuh dah minum, bubur mcd juga dah abes, (ye orang tunggu aku sambil makan mcd), cepat laa baby ibu carik jalan keluar..

true to his word, memang pukul 3 head dah engorged.. mak aku yang nampak, panggil nurse.. dia kata Dr. otw dari rumah, takpe rumah dia dekat je.. waklu otw... ehehehe.. am juga nampak kepala dah nak kuar.. berani am, ada orang takut, seb baik dia berani, lagipun aku dah ugut dia suh tengok no matter what... eh mana Dr. ni, lambat la plak.. aku siap2 dah marah2 mana tak sampai2, nurse suh turun kaki, kepit.. kepit apa lagi, aku dah terberanak sangat ni.. dia kata jangan teran lagi, cakap senang laa.. aku teran jugak sket2..

akhirnya kelibat Dr. muncul juga, dia bleh nak bagi ceramah plak dulu, dia kata jangan risau sakitnya 45min je, 45min?? abes yang dari pukul 5 tadi apa? gurau2? ehehehe.. masa itu je aku emo.. dia tak abes cakap sangat aku terus teran, dan alhamdulillah, 3 kali je lina dah kuar.. leganya hanya Allah yang tahu, dia angkat lina dan cakap, IT'S A GIRL.. and how she cried..

dunia aku macam sunyi sepi bila dia letak anak aku atas dada aku.. macam2 perasaan timbul.. my first word to her is Assalamualaikum anak ibu.. then, Hi.. she's so licin, penuh vermix lagi, terus BF.. dan sampai sekarang juga lina masih BF.. alhamdulillah..

she was born at 4th November 2009, at 3.15am.. weight 3.17kg..

and i was officially a mother, and very proud to be one..

oh ya, my mother, my MIL, and my beloved am witnessed it.. meriah kan, lantak laa tak kira dah masa sakit, sape nak tengok, tengok.. ehehee

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bila?  

Posted by azheazam

salam everyone...



pergh lama seh tak update, tapi lagi lama yang hari tu... aku tengok orang lain, cukup excited mengupdet pasal their pregnancy's status and experiences.. tapi aku.. ehehhee..



bukan tak excited nyah, aku rasa nak buat cam gugu gaga erra tu haa, keadaan dan masa tak berapa nak mengizinkan.. aku upload aje la gmbar sket2, sebab sket pun yang ada.. satu hari raya ritu pun sekeping gamba pun tak ada aku ngan laki aku... betapa sebok nye laa nyah oiii mak beraya..



alhamdulillah, segala puji, rahmat dan syukur kepada Allah, aku dah masuk minggu ke 37, tak kira la ticker tu nak cakap bape sekali pun, aku tukar ticker hari tu pun sebab yang lama tu macam nak suruh aku mengandung style gajah, bertahun2.. aku tengok makin lama dia makin tambah plak masa aku nak kena tunggu... memang silap besar laa ngkau, aku ni memang tak sabo orangnye...



masuk minggu ke 37, macam2 sakit aku rasa, tapi satu pun tak ada yang lead to labour.. apa cer? ohh baby, ibu ko ni tak sabo... memang aku bukan jenis penyabar.. am je yang ada sifat terpuji ni.. semoga jangkit laa kat anak aku nanti..amin.. tapi deep down inside, aku akan tunggu sampai puteri kesayangan ini.. bersedia untuk keluar dengan sendirinye... (dah memang kena tunggu kan, kasik sedap hati laa sket, konon cam redha) eh aku dah gtau ea apakah jantina nye... insyaAllah.. perempuan la anak sulung bertuah hasil bunting pelamin aku dan am...

nama? gua dah standby beb.. jangan nanti korang tak puas hati sudah... eheheeheh



aku pohon sangat2, semoga di saat aku melahirkan nanti.. biarlah am ada dengan aku.. dalam labour room tu, walaupun aku rasa ada kemungkinan dia akan seribu kali lebih panik dah berpeluh sakan dari aku, tapi aku perlu sangat kehadiran dia dengan aku... aku terasa macam, kalau di sini laa janji aku dengan Allah, biarlah am jadi orang terakhir yang aku tengok... sebab hanya Allah saje yang tau betapa aku sayangkan dia... kalau dia baca ni memang berbakul2 aku kena marah, kuasa Allah tak ada sape yang bleh halangkan.. aku cuma minta doa dari kawan2 semua supaya aku dipermudahkan bersalin dan selamat... korang tak tau do.. aku cuak cam tahap gaban...



first time raya sbagai isteri agak menarik pada aku.. sebab aku ada suami yang baru masuk darjah satu sekolah romantik... tak feel do salam raya... siap aku tersua2 dahi suh dia cium.. last2 kena cakap verbally jugak.. sia2 dahi aku jendul... tapi pengalaman beraya di johor ni memang fresh.. johorian memang beraya selagi ada bulan syawal... aku paling suka tradisi marhaban dari rumah ke rumah kat sini, aku tak tau tempat lain ada ke tak tapi kawasan perumahan aku kat kuantan tu memang tak ada... aku bukan hafal sangat pun marhaban sampai ke abes, aku awal2 ye kuat.. tang nak last2 tu aku meraban laa.. buat2 la tengok semut ke anai2 ke kat lantai.. jangan tengok cicak, nanti orang nampak mulut ko tak gerak.. buat2 miming je..



personally aku harap akan bergelar ibu hujung mingu ni... aku ada laa amalkan sket2 tips untuk mempercepatkan bersalin, tapi sume pun bergantung kepada rezeki... barang2 baby pun insyaAllah rasanya dah ada sume, termasuk la jamu selapan untuk ibu yang baunye mak datuk cam haram jadah... tapi mengenangkan aku ni kawin tak sampai setahun pun lagi, laki aku muda lagi, dah jadik ayah sat gi saham dia makin naik... akan aku telan apa saje untuk balik ke bentuk badan sewaktu anak dara yang tak ada laa kurus sangat pun tapi itu la yang menambat hati dia nak kawin ngan aku dulu kan...

hah, tengah2 aku type ni.. ntah apa sumpahan ntah, aku tertumpah air atas laptop.. cikalat..

ni aku dah tukar ke pc office, dah petang pun, tadi pagi lagi.. laptop tadi jangan tanya, air mencurah cam niagara falls, agaknye camtu lebat jugak ke duit aku nak repair tuh nanti.. fuh fuh fuh tenang... aku memang cemerkap betul dalam tempoh ngandung ni, aku pecahkan pinggan, cawan, dua kali cubaan bakar rumah, jatuh kerusi, jatuh bilik air, tersadung sana sini... tapi Alhamdulillah.. aku dan anakku ini masih di dalam lindunganNya... semoga kekal sehingga selamat nanti...

nak transfer gamba pun cam dah tak ada mood sebab gamba banyak dalam laptop yang dah banjir tadi, oleh itu.. aku pun izin laluan laa, nak makan nasi plak, tadi nak makan selera dah potong... doakan aku ye tuan puan... aku takut ni.. maklumla orang banyak dosa...
sebut pasal dosa, aku pun nak mintak maaf banyak2 pada semua yang kenal aku dan pernah gurau senda dan terasa hati ngan aku.. aku jugak mintak halalkan la segala makan minum, hutang ke kalau ada yang aku lupa dan ko malu nak mintak, eheheeheh... mintak di 0-0 kan la ea... terima kasih pada yang komen pada entry aku yang ada gamba scan tu, aku mintak maaf tak reply pun, buruk perangai memang macam ni... tapi aku hargai setiap komen korang... terharu mak rasa nyah...

i love you all, tapi i love lagi bau nasi goreng ngan ikan asam pedas yang dah semerbak satu ofis ni... salam semua.. muah muah muah

adios,
xoxoxoxo

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the love of my life....  

Posted by azheazam

abang,

terima kasih kerana terlalu banyak bersabar dengan kerenah ayu sepanjang tempoh perkahwinan kite yang tak jejak pun setahun lagi ni... you know this is not normally me.. tu lah, sape suh efektif sangat bunting pelamin..

our bundle of joy is growing healthily day after day due to your great care and concern.. "ayu dah makan ubat?.. ayu nah minum susu ni.. ayu oke ke?.. ayu terhentak² ke naik kete abang?.. duduk² ayu, jangan diri.. dah la tak apa biar abang buat.. ayu rehat je,tak apa abang tak kisah.." and the list goes on and on and on...

you are definitely a gift from GOD, an answer to my prayers... ayu tak bleh bayangkan how's my life is going to be if its not you in the picture.. your patience level never fails to amaze me.. and i prayed hard to GOD, may our bundle of joy inherits that from you...

i am certainly one lucky women to have such a wondeful husband.. and i promised you that i devote my life to you.. terima kasih mak kerana sudi berkongsi anak sebaik am dengan saya mak.. i'm sorry our relationship wasn't that smooth before..

to bundle of joy, dad deserves all the respects in the world.. do listen to him and obey him.. and make him proud.. he adores you more than me, but that's ok since you are a part of me... and if anything ever happens to me, i'll know that you are in good hands.. and he certainly will always put you first in everything..

that's why i think, my husband deserves it..the Jean Paul Gaultier -Fluer Du Male 75ml, EDT that IBU EMIR is giving away for this month's contest..
a little treat for my greatest hero... it can never be enough since only GOD can repay you...


ayu sayangkan abang...

ayu sayangkan abang...


love,

ayu isteri abang...

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life after 24th jan 2009...  

Posted by azheazam

malas nye nak update.. untukmu adrian.. aku buat jugak..

(kira adiah birthday ko la, aci ea)

married life? most common reaction:
1. a bliss
2. wonderful
3. amazing
etc....

for me?
its a life changing experience... which requires a lot of energy, both pyhsically and mentally..
it is of course still amazing and so on.. but phew.. am i exhausted...

wedding piccies from my photographer is not available yet, but from weeza's lenses are now available on her facebook.. (and mine, since i tagged myself on almost every single pic)








thanks to all my penyeri majlis!! (seri,weeza,min,tote,shafi and husband and my precious iza)
and deepest gratitue to farina and her adik fadila.. for making me look cantik!! hahahaa

to all LOCUSTERS, who crashed the solemnization ceremony (all of them declined the invitation before, mind you!!) i was stunned to all the flashing lights.. apa lagi ototh.. he was suddenly nervewrecked by the sudden crowd of beaming faces of the LOCUSTERS, naseb baek ada yang menenangkan..tapi, THANKS A LOT FOR COMING!! sudi jugak korang datang rumah aku kat kuantan.. heheee..


thanks a zillion for all those who came and all the congrats wishes.. and the presents too.. thanks fatma and syu.. walaupun korang tak dapat datang, adiah korang sampai.. ehehehe.. thankss!!
no matter how many times i thanked all of you.. it still doesnt describe the feeling i felt inside...


i heart you all!!!


adios,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo to infinity...
and beyond!!! ~~ buzz lightyear..

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breaking the silence...  

Posted by azheazam

whoa..


i've been looking forward to updating my blog, with all the excitements and drama in my life (talking about a drama queen, :p)

i've been spending the last two weeks in KL, mainly for work for the first few days..towards the end, its gala fun, muahahaha..

i've started 2009 with a crisis, very early in the morning, i had a tiff with my future-mother-in-law.. (not the first one, people..) haha.. the issue circles round the "wedding band" controversy, which until now, i haven't resolved yet.. the issue affected my fragile relationship with abang pretty badly, the thing with "between me and his mother" never favours me.. and ended up with me.. driving 140km/hr on my poor little kenari welling up in tears all the way to KL...

moi family weren't really on my side this time, i was always blamed when it comes to this kind of conflict, (why oh why??) feeling very unloved, and totally controlled by emotions, i put my whole life to god.. whether i arrived safely or not, i dont even bother.. i just want to be out of this, away for a while, leaving all the excess baggage behind me and forget it completely..temporary,sigh...

i leave office around noon, and i arrived at nilai at 4 pm sumthing, stopping to get gas, and meeting mr.cute who was promoting maybank credit cards there.. i was really not in a mood for anything, what more getting a new credit card, but he insisted.. and since he's a soothe for the eye (hahaha), i gave him what he wanted.. (sounds fishy haa, signing up for the card. of coz!!) he gave his namecard (which i'd lost later on..huhu) and the hunk name is fakhruz.. he gave my life that day a little sun shine...

2nd jan, peon's solemnization.. i didnt attend it due to some reasons, but i did went shopping with my officemate in KL.. retail therapy hah.. looks like it.. mr. fakhruz contacted me.. with his personal number (tadaaaa!!) and we're officially friends.. he put a lot of smiles on my face during the whole last week.. but before you girls started singing rihanna's unfaithful to me, please take note that i openly told him that i was engaged with a reception a few weeks away.. and we have to stick to FRIENDS ONLY relationship... he was ok with that, me? how can i say no... (haish...)

i spent the first week in KL working my guts out.. staying till very late in the night, and once until 6 am in the morning.. but that doesnt stopped me from my retail therapy sessions.. hehehe.. no guilt, none at all.. after the tender was submitted.. adrian and i spend the whole morning, asleep.. and the rest of the evening.. watching "Bedtime Stories" at KLCC.. yeehuuu!! my dear bos gave us a leave that day.. appreciating our hard work.. nice nice...

friday was spent doing office work here and there and lunch hour back to retail therapy this time at midvall.. (i shopped at KLCC, Sogo, danau kota and now midvall.. and I LIKE!!!)

i spend half of my stay at my sis's house in kg baru and another half at adrian's.. both were very good hostesses in keeping me hostage..haha.. thanks for the warmth and hospitality.. it helps me to alleviate the troubles i left behind..

finally, the day i've been looking forward to has come.. SATURDAY, the picnic day.. ouh i meet lina a.k.a tote on friday night, and we stayed at Leo Palace instead of Dynasty.. and we screamed at each other all the way from kg. baru lrt to the hotel.. what a noise..

SATURDAY is A BLAST!! from morning till the next day!! even in my sleep i couldnt stop laughing!! the picnic at Putrajaya Wetland is just what i needed.. a boost of self-esteem plus wads of positive energy!! All those laughter and fun... and the concerns later.. love you girls, and thanks a zillion for hearing me out.. the discussion we had on mother-in-laws, the tips mrs. shafi gave, the 'doa' for me.. i was deeply touched and moved.. and only God knows, how much i love you all... every single one of you, even if you were not there.. i know you'll wish me well too..


below piccies tells it all.. (courtesy of seri dhalila..i want a camera of my own..huhuhu)






after the picnic, i met iza.. my darling sharifah nurul iza.. i carefully planned my outstation get-away this time to ensure that i meet up with all those i love, and iza and lizza hademi are one of them.. due to some circumstances, i cannot meet lizza.. but we chatted on the phone.. and i met iza at alamanda.. seeing her is always pleasant.. knowing that she always cares, always there.. we catched up on each other in no time, and inviting strange stares from others in the Noodle Station due to our lesbian's act..ahahaha.. what?

later that night, we continued the madness at peon's wedding reception at pan pac, but i still have no piccies, have to wait for others to upload..buhuu.. at peon's i met halida!! long time no see her... all the other girls are the same since we left each other to meet the world 10 years ago.. how comforting!! the smiling faces, the peals of laughter, the 'gedikness..', the warmth of hugs and kissess... i felt at home..at peace with the world and myself.. i felt even more at home back at the hotel i shared with tote and fiejo.. hillarious..


and now, i'm back at telok ramunia.. back to the bundle of trouble i created and left behind.. but now i'm energized, mentally prepared.. and i will face it all.. when i feel like sinking, i'll cling to the sweet memories i had last weekend.. and i was deeply moved when i saw abang after almost 2 weeks of absence... he looks so tak terurus, with jambang dan janggut dah macam wolverine, the worried looks.. i'm sorry sayang if i hurt you so much.. and he was visibly relieved.. he told me he was relieved i came back to him, because it was his greatest fear if i ever left him... and i was.... speechless... i guess there is always someone who would love me for better or worse.... other than my dear friends..


to mr.fakhruz, (if you're reading this).. knowing you was one of the sweet memories i collected last weekend.. i had included you in my BFF list..muahahaaa.. gud luck to you in Penang, and do introduce me to your 'anak mami' when you had found the lucky girl...


my big day is just another 11 days away.. 11.. and the number will get smaller.. my doubts and fears.. mounting.. surfacing and subsiding, i guess cold feet really get the best of me.. im holding on, anticipating heart breaks and tears due to the "M.I.L" issues... but i will hold on, to the love we shared for almost 5 years.. and to the fact that i know i will be cushioned by my friends care and love all the way..


LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN....
adios,
xoxo

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deepest gratitude..  

Posted by azheazam

specially dedicated for my beloved friends;

~~farina, min & seri~~

for setting up the red code alarm signal to help me for my wedding costume.. aku terharu sebenarnye.. terima kasih...

"tanpa dirimu hidup tak bererti,
tahukah kau cinta ku murni,
jangan kau pergi,
dirimu
tiada ganti
harapan yang ada tersemat di jiwa...
semoga kau sentiasa....
di sisi...."

korang nyanyi la sendiri.. nak hire abang nuar mahal noo...
thanks a lot.... :)


adios,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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happy anniversary girls!!!!  

Posted by azheazam

my darling girls, sspians 95~99....

HAPPY 9th ANNIVERSARY!!

its been 9 years since we left the school.. and see how we thrive..
the bond we shared getting stronger despite of our distances now from one another..

may the upcoming years bring us more joy and happiness, as well as more cute little babies as our apprentices... muahahahaha....

I LOVE YOU ALL... i really do, ;)

adios,
xoxo

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DAMN  

Posted by azheazam

i was awake the whole night yesterday, thinking of calling the engagement off..

i want to call the engagement off..

i dont want to spend my entire life with you..

i am still thinking to call the engagement off...

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ngaaaaaa  

Posted by azheazam

i was having a bad morning yesterday, and as usual i spilled it out to abang..
during lunch break i tagged him along to the bank sebab sangat tak ada mood nak duk sorang²..

~~~L.U.N.C.H~~

am: ayu, ada nak gi mana2 ke, beli pape ke?

me: takla, ayu nak ikut abang je, nak duk ngan abang je, abang kan pengubat luka lara ayu..

~~~sampai kat bank~~

me: abang nak gi mana, abang kan pengubat luka ayu, jangan la gi.. (getik kan aku..)

am: luka mana boleh letak ubat selalu², tak baik nanti.. biar dia kering dulu..

me: ..speechless.. (looks like he mastered the skill to handle my "ngada-ngada melampau", hahahahaha.....BAGUS!!)

-----------------------------------------------------

i called a long lost friend to wish him happy birthday last monday.. and we had a good chat, he's getting married feb next year and i wish him well.. we had a lot of conflicts in our teenage years.. and a lot of stupid acts to complete the drama that i sincerely regret.. alhamdulillah.. as we get older, i think maturity makes us both forgave each other's mistakes and continue our friendship.. i really do treasure the friendship we had before the silly mistakes... to edy, selamat menjadi pengantin baru!!

my kelantan trip for adi's engagement with sayang = fun way to exercise..
since sume orang (mak, abah, along, angah, pak jang) balik after the event, tinggal la aku dan am tunggu bas malam pukul 8.... hem.. we discover kelantan by foot...
berjalan la pusing², dari pasar khadijah ke kb mall ke langgar.. naik bas, sapu² minyak kat kaki, tampal koyok..tido..zzzzzzzzzzzz.. seronot!!!

aaaa... ngantuk............
nak tido.. babai...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

adios,
xoxozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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ZHM..  

Posted by azheazam



piccies: courtesy of farina.. (thanks darl)


ahh jantung jantung!!!
**dead**

adios,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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a minute...  

Posted by azheazam

i only asked for a minute...

a minute of your time to talk decently with you...

and i really meant just a minute, i know how busy you are.....

but a minute means nothing to you, or maybe the person requesting it...

simple as it is..but it hurts.....

and i only asked for a minute....

and the minute's now gone forever....

adios,
no xoxo

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perasaan amarah  

Posted by azheazam

yes i am very angry with you..

i am very frustrated with you..

after all this years, you never know how to actually soothe me...

i am dissapointed in your way of solving problems that we had..

i feel a tint of regret being in a relationship with you which nowadays seems so dull and stucked
(which i do not even realize when we are ok)

i am tired of trying to ensure that our paths are crossed daily and maintaining an open and healthy communication

i am so exhausted to be everything that you ever wanted while not getting anything back in return

do i hate you?
yes i do

i really do

i hate you.

need to say more?

yes, i really do hate you

adios,
no xoxo

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hari² sengal..  

Posted by azheazam

sengal.. tapi bukan aku...

ada mamat sorang ni, huhuuu.. pasal keje part time ni la, yes i know im sending email that to some people wud consider as spam.. tak pela, awak tak suka delete laa..

why take the effort to reply, and replying it to ALL in the list.. semata² nak cakap aku gi jahanam..huhuhuuu.. kalau 40 orang baca, 40 orang la cakap aku gi jahanam... sedih kan tu...

huhuu, takpe la i did not keep grduges, biasala perangai manusia mcam², satu je pegangan aku, kalau aku ditipu, atau menipu, terlepas di dunia mungkin selamat, tapi janji ALLAH di padang mashar tetap tak terlepas, terpulangla pada orang nak cakap apa, hak masing² punye mulut..

eheheeheh, kelakar pun ada gak.. akak opes aku gelak gila.. it is very funny, she claimed.. yang sedikit sebanyak melegakan hati aku jugak laa..ehehehe thanks to you, kak shidah!!!

pagi tadi, on my way to the office, aku passed by a school.. aku tengok sume student dia kat kantin, reading.. and it brought back a sweet memories back to my schooling years at SSP, 0700 to 0720 is supposed to be Reading Programme, tapi for me and a few others, yang pastinya tote.. hari isnin je ia akan jadi Buat-Nametag-Dari-Kertas-Plus-Asking-Around-Sape-Ada-Badge-Lebih-Programme, i cannot remember reading anything during that 20 mins period at all.. mungkin ada la, bila hari tu ada test, atau exam week.. other than that, i wonder apa aku and the rest of the "basketball-court-circle-group" a.k.a my geng buat masa tu... hemm...

dah 1630, nak kena balik dah ni... aku masak tau bukak pose, do not under estimate me, and my cooking, aku tak adala kasik orang lain makan, aku je makan, tapi aku masih lagi hidup dan bernafas dengan sehat ni maknanya i am capable of cooking without killing anyone, good azie!!

selamat berbuka, jangan makan banyak sangat, nanti ruku' semayang tertonggeng plak, perut berat!!

adios,
xoxo

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minggu mengumpul kesabaran  

Posted by azheazam

recently, aku ada sedikit ketidakpuasan hati ngan seorang hamba Allah..
satu ayat je aku nak cakap kat dia, (but I never will, tak nak carik gaduh bulan pose ni)

"ACT YOUR AGE"

tolong la seriously!!! aku dah tak tahan nak tengok perangai ko yang sentiasa berlagak cam ko hypp sangat!! sedangkan, you do look your age, tak ada sekilas pun air muka ko nampak ko muda.. so PLEASE!!! ACT YOUR AGE!!! its EMBARASSING!!..

phew.. l.e.g.a...

ada lagi seorang hamba ALLAH..
ayat aku nak cakap kat dia ialah,

"LOOK AROUND YOU, ORANG DAH MENGATA BANYAK, AKU DAH PENAT TEGUR KO SUGAR COATED, TOLONGLA COME BACK DOWN TO EARTH, ORANG DAH PENAT NAK MELAYAN MASALAH YANG KO CIPTA SENDIRI"

phew phew... double L.E.G.A...

tapi sebenarnya tak la lega sangat, aku rasa that particular person pun tak tau aku tuju kat dia, ehheeheh.... tapi takpela.. Ya ALLAH, Kuatkan la hati aku menghadap kerenah umat Mu yang pelbagai ini... AMIN..

life is GREAT macam mana pun, with OKAH n OKID, even BETTER!!
sekarang dah manja lebih², dah aku layankan..eheheeh
i can get along dengan lebih baik lagi sekarang dengan family abang..aku harap bleh betul² fit in..
bisnes pun Alhamdulillah, so far so good, and so does my part time..
belajar WASATIAH.. itu penting dalam dunia sekarang yang penuh dengan ekstremis, fanatics, dan penuh ke"over"an.. b-a-c-k-2-b-a-s-i-c-s..

cuti raya dah approved!! oh yeah, eventhough ada satu je hari aku kena fake kan sakit, ehehehee
lama tu nyah, mak nak cuti.. haaa jaga nko!!!
mungkin.. ini raya terakhir aku as single kot.. apsal aku ada rasa sedeh...

aku rindu tote laa..opss lina.. dah lama tak mengarut ngan ko la tote.. opss lina..
sejak fon aku hilang ritu, kurang dah call ko, kalau tak bil fon aku tak ada la number orang lain..

lina oh lina.. my partner in almost everything, you name it.. crime, bisnes, love, laugh, tears, jerks, dorks, etc etc etc....





adios,


xoxo

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~~hari jadi  

Posted by azheazam

its my birthday today... shud be sumthing to be remembered ain't it.. but i wish to forget every single moment... except all those warm pleasant wishes from family and friends...

a day that i do not want to treasure, i do not want to remember.. it hasnt ended yet, but i just cant barely take any anymore...

aku tak tau macamana nak luahkan.. i dont know what word fits.. the pain, the frustration..
being a "sponge-hearted" i am..i know i'll get over this by tomorrow... but deep down it resides, and accumulates untill it finally hardened the "sponge"...

vulnerable at the mo.. i dont even feel like seeing anyone... and the urgent files i need to send out by tis morning still lay there on the front table... hati, soalnya hati... dan pengisian hati yang baik adalah dari Allah... kuatkan hati ku Ya Allah... permudahkan lah jalan ku kembali pada Mu... kupulangkan sepenuhnya cinta dan rindu yang hanya sebenarnya milik Mu...

wahai hati... bertahanla.. seperti selama ini kau bersama ku menempuh segalanya.. sejujurnya aku hanya ada kau dan DIA yang maha kaya...

adios,
xoxo

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malam yang melemahkan semangat...  

Posted by azheazam

i got the fright of my life last nite.. entering my house's bathroom after coming back from Kota with sayang... there it was, the biggest centipede i've ever seen live in my whole 26th years of living... well, maybe i've seen one of those at the zoo or exhibition elsewhere, but i really never ever have the slightest intention to see one creepy crawling my bathroom floor!!!!!!!


the size was about two fingers and it was about 15-20cm long with black-red colour (i am certainly not exaggerating!!) the sight of it just burst my internal organs and sending fiery red alarms to my brain to run away pronto..and for good, never to return ever again..


lucky for me, my xavier, the love of my life is still outside waiting for mus to fetch him, hearing me babbling like nuts calling for help, he soothe me and went after the enormous lipan.. he couldnt find it at first which caused me to half hysteric phase, he kept on searching an voila!! there it is, i was not there to witness it.. just cant bring myself altogether, but i kept a fake brave upfront, came into the kitchen, and watched.. how it wriggles, trying to free itself, i can still visualized it.. but i cannot stay for long, fear overwhelmed me again... up to now, i am still a little nervous, patah semangat aku nyah!!!!


he did managed to kill the centipede (sorry, centipede..but you're harmful) and took it with him in a blue plastic bag to be thrown way away from my house... but i haven't stopped crying (i didnt mentioned this earlier right..) yeah i cried throughout the event, and sobbing hard... sangat takut.. fear conquered me, and i was so nerve-wracked.. the tears juct kept coming, and the sobbed getting harder..


he tried his best to console me, thanks sayang... he told me im strong, i've been through a lot and this is just one of it... (me, town girl..living alone in kampung area, near "jungle") i didnt like staying here, i just dont feel belong.. with all species of the world of insects around me, shooting "Bugs Life" on their own, a much hectic version... its hard for me to get through.. and now this... when he left, i was still crying.. but a bit under control.. trying hard to get a grip on myself, i called home.. to abah of course, 26 years old calling abah to ngadu about a lipan in the bathroom.. i really feel like a small girl, and i am always abah's little girl...


abah's theraphy works like a charm.. i do feel a little brave, and hold onto it like it was my last breath, i entered the bathroom... (after almost an hour of effort to calm myself down) eyes wandering around, feet ready to sprang any moment.. i managed to complete my ablution and leave the bathroom steadily....


alhamdulillah.. i am still breathing untill now.. fear partially conquered, am building back my semangat.. pray for me my friend, i need all the pray i can get...
simple things it might be for you, one giant big step for me...


adios,
xoxo..

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